Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Goats, Box, Encounters

Obviously this movie is simply a human propaganda piece, designed to trick hostile alien creatures into believing that human beings are capable of heretofore unrevealed psychic powers like the fearsome MENTAL RAYS of my own Superion brethren. Have you ever felt the sting of the Superion MENTAL RAY, human being reading this? It's a stingy, stingy thing, my friend. It will give you SUCH a headache, you don't even know!

Let me use this movie to illustrate a point about our incredible mental powers to you. In this movie, apparently George Clooney uses mind powers to kill goats. In reality, WE are the George Clooneys and human beings are the goats. Baa for me, cretins! Eat a tin can, poop machines! Goats!

In this movie, Frank Langella presents Cameron Diaz with a moral conundrum: she will receive one million dollars if she presses a magic button that will kill some other random human being she doesn't know. Given Cameron Diaz's mental prowess, this somehow fills up the entire run of a full-length feature.

Allow me to present YOU with a moral conundrum, Frank Langella, I will give YOU a million dollars if you will just GIVE ME THAT BOX!

I think that Hollywood is attempting to trick moviegoers into thinking that this movie is a sequel to Stephen Spielberg's popular, but insipid "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Keep your money, though, gullible ape-descendents. There will be no oh-so-riveting mashed potato stacking scenes this time around.

This looks like it's just another racist Hollywood movie that portrays all aliens as hostile hate-filled creatures that want nothing more than to destroy, torture, or enslave human beings. I could just kill all of you for that!

No comments:

Post a Comment