Earth Inventions: Double Down, Hooded Sandal

I have been reading your primitive Earth internets and enjoying some of the hilarious notions your species dreams up that they believe pass for inventions. Now, I shall do you the favor of sharing the thoughts of my vastly superior intellect about these products with your feeble Earthling minds. You are welcome!

THE DOUBLE DOWN
As longtime readers should be able to remember, I am an alien being from the planet Superion. Not only are my mental facilities far greater than your own: my biological system is more efficient in every way. My people consume only atoms from the air and make total and complete use of them (eliminating messy and embarrassing acts you humans must commit daily such as "poo-pooing" and "pee-peeing"). As such I am fascinated, disgusted, and driven to fits of laughter by many of the practices in which you participate involving ingesting solid and liquid matters and eliminating the unused by-products through your various holes and orifices.

The latest astonishing human culinary creation: The Double Down from KFC. Allegedly a sandwich, the double down as replaced any kind of break (one of the defining characteristics of a sandwich) with two large pieces of mechanically reassembled chicken corpses. Between those hunks of mutilated, chemically-flavored fried fowl: strips of seared pig fat and cow milk that has been congealed into a solid.

This really, is a sandwich in name only. Otherwise anything placed in between two other items of the same kind could be called a sandwich. Three fried mozzarella sticks stuck between a pair of chocolate-covered donuts? A sandwich. Thick layers of peanut butter, jelly, and chunks of cookie dough between twin glazed hams? Now you've got yourself a sandwich, Jethro.
Unless I misunderstand, the purpose of consuming food is to help keep you alive. Why, then, do you keep creating alleged ingestibles that will hasten your demise? Is it because deep down you hate yourselves as much as I hate you?

Here's a rule of thumb humans, avoid any food item that's name is also a synonym for "a dangerous gamble."

THE HOODED SANDAL
I don't have feet, but I understand that boots are optimal for protecting your fragile human feet in cold weather, and sandals make them more comfortable in hot weather. Apparently one of your genius scientists/footwear designers decided to compare traits of the boot AND the sandal for an item of footwear that would be helpful in no conditions whatsoever.

Also ugly enough for no occasions.

Alton brown wears gray and tan, yet is not the tackiest person in the picture

From the following photo at Yahoo's Most Popular:


The caption: This undated photo courtesy of the Food Network shows chef Bobby Flay, from left, and White House chef Cristeta Comerford, Alton Brown, first lady Michelle Obama, chef Mario Batali and chef Emeril Lagasse. An episode of 'Iron Chef America' will be taped at the White House pitting Flay and Comerford against Batali and Lagasse. The episode aris Jan. 3, 2010.

CHEF MARIO BATALI: Is it appropriate for me to wear my silly plastic crocs while visiting the White House?

FOOD NETWORK EXECUTIVES: Yes, but only if they match the first lady's dress.

CHEF MARIO BATALI: Great! Also, I won't be wearing pants.

You're all class, MB.