Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Disney's A Christmas Carol

The last thing the people of Earth need is yet another re-telling of A Christmas Carol (especially one that opens the first week of November).

Following numerous stage and screen adaptations featuring real-live disgusting human beings (both singing and non - and even a ballet), there have also been TWO Muppet versions, TWO versions starring cartoon ducks, numerous other animated versions, parodies, satires, and as many tired retreads as there are zeroes in Scrooge's bank account.

But Robert Zemeckis loves the new technology of "motion capture" (a silly technique in which computers copy the movement and expression of actors to animate computer-generated characters, generally diluting the artistry of both the actor and the animator. Well done, human progress) and since there is a new technology available, it needs must follow that someone will feel obligated to trot out yet another version of "A Christmas Carol."

Perhaps sensing that a technological innovation was not quite enough justification for the 7,638,422 version of this story, Zemeckis has apparently come up with another way of separating his version from all its predecessors: his will have almost nothing whatsoever to do with the source material.

Of course, as always I'm judging from just the previews as I have no intention of actually seeing this movie, but this latest version seems to be a massive departure from the familiar. Traditionally, A Christmas Carol is the story of a miserly old man named Ebenezer Scrooge who, through eerie and somber visitations from the ghost of an old friend and the spirits of Christmas past, present, and yet-to-come, learns that the self-serving decisions he's made throughout his life have earned him a great deal of material wealth, but robbed him of any warmth, love, or kinship with his fellow man. Given the opportunity to repent, Scrooge becomes invigorated when he decides to embrace humanity and help those less fortunate than himself.

Zemeckis seems to have eschewed all that gloom and nuance and opted instead to focus on a central character who is constantly shot violently through the sky, dragged at terrifying speeds by The Human Torch, and slammed repeatedly into giant icicles. Ebenezer Scrooge's Funniest Home Videos.

I suppose it's possible that I'm forgetting Scrooge's description of a nightgown-clad Ebenezer Scrooge arcing across London's night sky, his arms flailing madly, his slippers dangling precariously, his eyes wide in hilarious terror as he draws his catch phrase out in fear "baaaaah-huuuuumbuuuug!"

I haven't seen in the previews, but I imagine there's a moment when
someone - perhaps nephew Fred - will be forced to utter the line "Oh - that's gotta hurt."

Double for nothing they sneak in a bit of gastronomical emission humor somewhere.

Oh, and did I mention this movie stars Jim Carrey? Did I even need to?

Kind of makes those cartoon ducks look like Masterpiece Theatre, doesn't it?

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