ROBIN HOOD
The Gladiator team of Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe shrug their shoulders at not having had as much success with any other project in the ten years since that film, attempt to make it again, and call it "Robin Hood."

Of course, if you really wanted to make a movie about Robin Hood - a legendary character who throughout the many versions of stories told about him over the last several hundred years has always been portrayed as being a joyful trickster who leads a group called The Merry Men, you probably wouldn't cast an actor who appears to be physically incapable of smiling. Seriously, there are more pictures of the Loch Ness Monster out there than images of Crowe cracking a grin.

Casting Crowe as Robin Hood makes about as much sense as casting Tommy Lee Jones as Little Orphan Annie, but without any of the joy of seeing grumpy grandpa in a little red dress.


SHREK FOREVER AFTER
Remember when Shrek felt like a fresh spin tired old sugary-sweet versions of fairy tales? No? Neither do I, but that was the idea, wasn't it? Even if it had ever been all it wanted to be, a fourth time out for a fresh-take, just cannot be a fresh take anymore.

Shrek, you've already had your three strikes. You're out.


LETTERS TO JULIET
I have a sneaking suspicion that this paint-by-numbers romantic comedy (starring Amanda Seyfried, one of the bug-eyed alien ingenues of Planet Popintulate VII who has somehow made her way into Hollywood - possibly using her hypnotic ocular orbs) may not be quite as well written as the Shakespeare play its title references.

It may, however, in its own way, be just as much of a tragedy.


PRINCE OF PERSIAN
Am I understanding that this movie is just two hours of Jake Gyllenhaal playing with tiny Persian kittens? I think somebody told me that.

Review of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: The Four Whorseman of the Apocalypse

SEX IN THE CITY 2

Now I watched when the Lamb opened one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures say with a voice like thunder, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a white horse! And its rider had a bow, and a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering, and to conquer.


When he opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, “Come!” And out came another horse, bright red. Its rider was permitted to take peace from the earth, so that people should slay one another, and he was given a great sword.



When he opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a black horse! And its rider had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard what seemed to be a voice in the midst of the four living creatures, saying, “A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius, and do not harm the oil and wine!”



When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a pale horse! And its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by wild beasts of the earth

Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Furry Vengeance, Nightmare of Elm Street, Iron Man 2

FURRY VENGEANCE
I have a theory about what might be happening here, and the theory is this: Brendan Fraser and Eddie Murphy have some kind of secret millionaires' bet about which one of them can make the more horrible Hollywood movie. This movie appears to painfully and obviously pander both to the environmentally conscious, and people who enjoy "jokes" involving flatulence and people making anguished expressions following a kick to the nether regions. Do you imagine there is a huge market for combining these two types of pandering?

Let's try an experiment, shall we? Let's see how much of the following railer you can stand to watch before you feel as though the blunt stupidity of it begins to give you brain damage: Good luck!




Did you make it past the squirrel doing the "hilarious" comedy take? If so, I am very sorry for you. I soldiered through for the good of us all. This movie is apparently full of photo-realistically animated woodland critters made to appear to be doing various tasks and tricks far beyond the capabilities of real animals. Even so, their antics still look more natural than their overblown ham-headed human counterparts.

Does it boil your blood to know that most of those comedians are paid huge salaries and live in massive mansions? It should, humans. I'm surprised you don't rise up and rebel against them.

FUN FACT: Brendan Fraser gained a lot of weight (allegedly intentionally) for this role, as if reacting to getting pooped on my seagulls required the same sort of commitment to the part that Robert DeNiro had in Raging Bull. Brendan, darling, it's a movie about talking raccoons. You've already ruined your career, don't let it take your health with it.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Freddy Kruger is the latest familiar character to be run through the old lazy remake machine. How does Hollywood continue to trick you humans into paying to see these remakes? Have you somehow forgotten the original versions are still available in a variety of replayable formats?

This version appears to throw out Freddy's cheesy wisecracking tenancies, so that's sure to annoy fans of the original series. And if you weren't a fan of the original series, why would you want to see this at all? Apparently this is for people who always wanted to see the previous versions, but wished they were a little more glum and/or easily-swayed idiots who will plunk down ten bucks to see anything the TV tells them they should be interested in.

Remember: the only way to escape from Freddy is to wake up. So please, people, wake up already.

IRON MAN 2
From what I've heard, the first Iron Man movie took a few moments between the people in robo-suits punching each other to make some vague comments about the ramifications and responsibilities of war-mongering. Iron Man 2 is apparently making its comments about American race relations as Tony Starks sole black friend is murdered, replaced by a different black man who looks nothing like him... and no one notices!

On a side note, while I'm not thoroughly acquainted with every possible variety of Earthling I have to ask: is Tony Stark mean to t be a human being? I ask because I've never seen one that grows facial hair in quite that arrangement before

Revies of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Alice in Burtonland, How Lame was My Dragon, Venetian Blind Island

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Or, as it should've been called: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp's "Wonka in Wonderland."

Hot Topic T-shirt designer Tim Burton applies his (or Charles Addams') same-old style to a sequel to "Alice in Wonderland" that, inexplicably, bares the same title. I can imagine the conversation when Burton pitched the movie to muse...

BURTON: Johnny, I'm going to, uh, direct an "Alice in Wonderland" movie.

DEPP: Jesus, you haven't already?

BURTON: No, I guess I haven't! Do you want to play the Mad Hatter?

DEPP: YES! I already have an idea about what I'd like to do with the character.

BURTON: Great. Let's hear it.

DEPP: OK, we keep the top-hat, right? But we give him crazy hair, make him really pale, and have him act super gay!

BURTON: Brilliant. Wait... isn't that exactly what we did with Willy Wonka?

DEPP: No, no, this will be totally different.

BURTON: OK... how?

DEPP: Because, man, the top hat will be, like WAY bigger! And... and I'll be even paler! Like PURE white, man, and I think we could go MUCH crazier with the hair too.

BURTON: And gayer?

DEPP: WAY gayer.

BURTON: Sold.

DEPP: Wait, you know what? Let's make it so that, like, even though he ACTS totally gay, you also get the feeling that he wants to bang Alice.

BURTON: YES.

DEPP: And, like, add these weird little implications that he's kind of wanted to since she was a little girl.

BURTON: YES. This sounds like a perfect take on the character.

DEPP: He's going to be so pale and gay!

BURTON: We rock. Hey, I even have an idea about what movie I want to do after that. It's called "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer."

DEPP: Hey... didn't Abraham Lincoln wear a top hat?

BURTON: He did.

DEPP: I know JUST how I want to play him!

...and scene. Poor Lewis Carrol must be rolling over in his grave. Well, except for the bit about the implied pedophelia. I think he'd be down with that.

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON

1) Take him to a Dreamworks animated movie.

2) Make him sit through the whole thing.

3) Tell him if he misbehaves, you'll do it again.

SHUTTER ISLAND

The commercials for Shutter Island beg the viewers not to give awayt the shocking twist ending: That Shutter Island is a crappy movie.

Like we couldn't guess that from the previews.

Revies of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: The Princess, The Frog, and James Cameron's Ego

THE PRINCESS & THE FROG

Oh, goody. The Disney Corporation is back in the business of watering down and commercializing traditional human fairy tales. For a few years now they’ve been trying some different things, but since their computer-generated original stories have been failing compared to other studio’s efforts, they decided to do what they do best : 1) buy one of those other studios and 2) go back to the drawing board. Literally.

So what can we expect from The Princess & The Frog? Disney’s by-the-numbers fairytale recipe:

1. Pretty, young, passive female protagonist

2. Wishing upon a star

3. Handsome, bland, non-threatening love interest

4. Jealous magic-using villain

5. Talking/farting animals

6. Songs so catchy you’ll hit yourself with a hammer to make them stop

7. Dead parent(s)

8. Phalluses snuck into background drawings by bored, sexually-frustrated artists

If that’s what appeals to you, you can cough up ten bucks to see it again in the theater or dig out one of the copies of Snow White/Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/The Little Mermaid that Disney tricked you into buying on VHS/Laserdisc/DVD/Blu-Ray/Digital Download. Hurry before it’s locked back up in the vault, sheep!

AVATAR

What am I missing about Avatar and how the movie-going experience will never be the same for those who decide to go see it? What’s the big leap forward? All I’m seeing is a CGI-laden senses-overloading fantasy spectacle in the same style we’ve been seeing innumerable iterations of over the last decade. Has Cameron been locked away working on this thing for so long that he didn’t hear about The Lord of the Rings trilogy?

Will none of his yes-men tell the King of the World he’s been beaten to the computer-generated punch? What will he invent next? The wheel?

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?

No.

Nor do I want to.

Revies of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Office Police Cop vs. the Sexy Werewolves

NINJA ASSASSIN

This movie keeps billing itself as the best Ninja movie ever made. Was that a hard title to earn? Kind of sounds like being the toughest kid in the chess club.

Also, do you know what Ninjas are? Assassins. This is like titling a law enforcement movie “Officer Police Cop.”

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

Look, I’m an alien, not a pre-teen girl. Or a 30-year-old-woman with the taste of a pre-teen girl.

I know I’m being particularly pedantic this week, even for me, but it actually takes more than having more than one part to properly be called “a saga.” That’s not even a quality judgment, it’s just a reminder that words actually have specific meanings.

Also, it is a quality judgment.

SERIOUS MOONLIGHT

Yet another romance/werewolf movie in which Meg Ryan falls in love with Timothy Hutton, turns into a werewolf and then eats him. OK, I’m just guessing all this based on looking at the poster right now. Go ahead and tell me, though, that you really know that’s not what this movie is. Have you seen it? Will anyone? No and no. This is a movie we ALL have no intention of seeing.

Probably they should’ve gone with the damn werewolves.

TRANSYLMANIA

From the team that brought you a bunch of movies that no one has ever seen before, comes this allegedly hilarious spoof about students in a monster-fighting school in which they IBOOINLDASD LXOAI DHZMJZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Oh, I’m sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard for a minute there.

Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: 2012

2012

Oh, Roland Emmerich. What a sad man you have become. Going back to the disaster movie well yet again even though the it's long run dry? This movie may purport to take place a few years in the future, but cinematically, Emmerich and company are very much stuck in 1996.

People had already stopped wanting this kind of everybody-runs-for-their-lives/buildings-topple-and-crumble shock fluff even before it brought up uncomfortable memories of real-world horrors. These days, your fellow humans don't just find it tired and cliché, but also disturbing and distasteful.

Emmerich's Independence Day partner, Dean Devlin, at least had the sense to move on to other things. Sure, one of those things was a series of TV movies about an action-Librarian, but at least the man understands that there IS a concept of branching out, even if he doesn't know how to do it well.

I don't believe for a moment that, as this movie suggests, the world will end in the year 2012 since my fellow Superions don't plan our invasion until many years later, but if it did, at least we could take solace in the notion that it would probably be the only thing that would finally stop Roland Emmerich from trying to make Independence Day yet again.

You'd think a man so steeped in the tropes of calamity would understand that lightening never strikes in the same place twice.

Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Goats, Box, Encounters

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS
Obviously this movie is simply a human propaganda piece, designed to trick hostile alien creatures into believing that human beings are capable of heretofore unrevealed psychic powers like the fearsome MENTAL RAYS of my own Superion brethren. Have you ever felt the sting of the Superion MENTAL RAY, human being reading this? It's a stingy, stingy thing, my friend. It will give you SUCH a headache, you don't even know!

Let me use this movie to illustrate a point about our incredible mental powers to you. In this movie, apparently George Clooney uses mind powers to kill goats. In reality, WE are the George Clooneys and human beings are the goats. Baa for me, cretins! Eat a tin can, poop machines! Goats!


THE BOX
In this movie, Frank Langella presents Cameron Diaz with a moral conundrum: she will receive one million dollars if she presses a magic button that will kill some other random human being she doesn't know. Given Cameron Diaz's mental prowess, this somehow fills up the entire run of a full-length feature.

Allow me to present YOU with a moral conundrum, Frank Langella, I will give YOU a million dollars if you will just GIVE ME THAT BOX!


THE FOURTH KIND
I think that Hollywood is attempting to trick moviegoers into thinking that this movie is a sequel to Stephen Spielberg's popular, but insipid "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Keep your money, though, gullible ape-descendents. There will be no oh-so-riveting mashed potato stacking scenes this time around.

This looks like it's just another racist Hollywood movie that portrays all aliens as hostile hate-filled creatures that want nothing more than to destroy, torture, or enslave human beings. I could just kill all of you for that!

Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Disney's A Christmas Carol

The last thing the people of Earth need is yet another re-telling of A Christmas Carol (especially one that opens the first week of November).

Following numerous stage and screen adaptations featuring real-live disgusting human beings (both singing and non - and even a ballet), there have also been TWO Muppet versions, TWO versions starring cartoon ducks, numerous other animated versions, parodies, satires, and as many tired retreads as there are zeroes in Scrooge's bank account.

But Robert Zemeckis loves the new technology of "motion capture" (a silly technique in which computers copy the movement and expression of actors to animate computer-generated characters, generally diluting the artistry of both the actor and the animator. Well done, human progress) and since there is a new technology available, it needs must follow that someone will feel obligated to trot out yet another version of "A Christmas Carol."

Perhaps sensing that a technological innovation was not quite enough justification for the 7,638,422 version of this story, Zemeckis has apparently come up with another way of separating his version from all its predecessors: his will have almost nothing whatsoever to do with the source material.

Of course, as always I'm judging from just the previews as I have no intention of actually seeing this movie, but this latest version seems to be a massive departure from the familiar. Traditionally, A Christmas Carol is the story of a miserly old man named Ebenezer Scrooge who, through eerie and somber visitations from the ghost of an old friend and the spirits of Christmas past, present, and yet-to-come, learns that the self-serving decisions he's made throughout his life have earned him a great deal of material wealth, but robbed him of any warmth, love, or kinship with his fellow man. Given the opportunity to repent, Scrooge becomes invigorated when he decides to embrace humanity and help those less fortunate than himself.

Zemeckis seems to have eschewed all that gloom and nuance and opted instead to focus on a central character who is constantly shot violently through the sky, dragged at terrifying speeds by The Human Torch, and slammed repeatedly into giant icicles. Ebenezer Scrooge's Funniest Home Videos.

I suppose it's possible that I'm forgetting Scrooge's description of a nightgown-clad Ebenezer Scrooge arcing across London's night sky, his arms flailing madly, his slippers dangling precariously, his eyes wide in hilarious terror as he draws his catch phrase out in fear "baaaaah-huuuuumbuuuug!"

I haven't seen in the previews, but I imagine there's a moment when
someone - perhaps nephew Fred - will be forced to utter the line "Oh - that's gotta hurt."

Double for nothing they sneak in a bit of gastronomical emission humor somewhere.

Oh, and did I mention this movie stars Jim Carrey? Did I even need to?

Kind of makes those cartoon ducks look like Masterpiece Theatre, doesn't it?