The Gladiator team of Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe shrug their shoulders at not having had as much success with any other project in the ten years since that film, attempt to make it again, and call it "Robin Hood."

Of course, if you really wanted to make a movie about Robin Hood - a legendary character who throughout the many versions of stories told about him over the last several hundred years has always been portrayed as being a joyful trickster who leads a group called The Merry Men, you probably wouldn't cast an actor who appears to be physically incapable of smiling. Seriously, there are more pictures of the Loch Ness Monster out there than images of Crowe cracking a grin.

Casting Crowe as Robin Hood makes about as much sense as casting Tommy Lee Jones as Little Orphan Annie, but without any of the joy of seeing grumpy grandpa in a little red dress.

Remember when Shrek felt like a fresh spin tired old sugary-sweet versions of fairy tales? No? Neither do I, but that was the idea, wasn't it? Even if it had ever been all it wanted to be, a fourth time out for a fresh-take, just cannot be a fresh take anymore.

Shrek, you've already had your three strikes. You're out.

I have a sneaking suspicion that this paint-by-numbers romantic comedy (starring Amanda Seyfried, one of the bug-eyed alien ingenues of Planet Popintulate VII who has somehow made her way into Hollywood - possibly using her hypnotic ocular orbs) may not be quite as well written as the Shakespeare play its title references.

It may, however, in its own way, be just as much of a tragedy.

Am I understanding that this movie is just two hours of Jake Gyllenhaal playing with tiny Persian kittens? I think somebody told me that.

Review of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: The Four Whorseman of the Apocalypse


Now I watched when the Lamb opened one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the four living creatures say with a voice like thunder, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a white horse! And its rider had a bow, and a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering, and to conquer.

When he opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature say, “Come!” And out came another horse, bright red. Its rider was permitted to take peace from the earth, so that people should slay one another, and he was given a great sword.

When he opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a black horse! And its rider had a pair of scales in his hand. And I heard what seemed to be a voice in the midst of the four living creatures, saying, “A quart of wheat for a denarius, and three quarts of barley for a denarius, and do not harm the oil and wine!”

When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature say, “Come!” And I looked, and behold, a pale horse! And its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed him. And they were given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword and with famine and with pestilence and by wild beasts of the earth

Reviews of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Furry Vengeance, Nightmare of Elm Street, Iron Man 2

I have a theory about what might be happening here, and the theory is this: Brendan Fraser and Eddie Murphy have some kind of secret millionaires' bet about which one of them can make the more horrible Hollywood movie. This movie appears to painfully and obviously pander both to the environmentally conscious, and people who enjoy "jokes" involving flatulence and people making anguished expressions following a kick to the nether regions. Do you imagine there is a huge market for combining these two types of pandering?

Let's try an experiment, shall we? Let's see how much of the following railer you can stand to watch before you feel as though the blunt stupidity of it begins to give you brain damage: Good luck!

Did you make it past the squirrel doing the "hilarious" comedy take? If so, I am very sorry for you. I soldiered through for the good of us all. This movie is apparently full of photo-realistically animated woodland critters made to appear to be doing various tasks and tricks far beyond the capabilities of real animals. Even so, their antics still look more natural than their overblown ham-headed human counterparts.

Does it boil your blood to know that most of those comedians are paid huge salaries and live in massive mansions? It should, humans. I'm surprised you don't rise up and rebel against them.

FUN FACT: Brendan Fraser gained a lot of weight (allegedly intentionally) for this role, as if reacting to getting pooped on my seagulls required the same sort of commitment to the part that Robert DeNiro had in Raging Bull. Brendan, darling, it's a
movie about talking raccoons. You've already ruined your career, don't let it take your health with it.


Freddy Kruger is the latest familiar character to be run through the old lazy remake machine. How does Hollywood continue to trick you humans into paying to see these remakes? Have you somehow forgotten the original versions are still available in a variety of replayable formats?

This version appears to throw out Freddy's cheesy wisecracking tenancies, so that's sure to annoy fans of the original series. And if you weren't a fan of the original series, why would you want to see this at all? Apparently this is for people who always wanted to see the previous versions, but wished they were a little more glum and/or easily-swayed idiots who will plunk down ten bucks to see anything the TV tells them they should be interested in.

Remember: the only way to escape from Freddy is to wake up. So please, people, wake up already.

From what I've heard, the first Iron Man movie took a few moments between the people in robo-suits punching each other to make some vague comments about the ramifications and responsibilities of war-mongering. Iron Man 2 is apparently making its comments about American race relations as Tony Starks sole black friend is murdered, replaced by a different black man who looks nothing like him... and no one notices!

On a side note, while I'm not thoroughly acquainted with every possible variety of Earthling I have to ask: is Tony Stark mean to t be a human being? I ask because I've never seen one that grows facial hair in quite that arrangement before

Earth Inventions: Double Down, Hooded Sandal

I have been reading your primitive Earth internets and enjoying some of the hilarious notions your species dreams up that they believe pass for inventions. Now, I shall do you the favor of sharing the thoughts of my vastly superior intellect about these products with your feeble Earthling minds. You are welcome!

As longtime readers should be able to remember, I am an alien being from the planet Superion. Not only are my mental facilities far greater than your own: my biological system is more efficient in every way. My people consume only atoms from the air and make total and complete use of them (eliminating messy and embarrassing acts you humans must commit daily such as "poo-pooing" and "pee-peeing"). As such I am fascinated, disgusted, and driven to fits of laughter by many of the practices in which you participate involving ingesting solid and liquid matters and eliminating the unused by-products through your various holes and orifices.

The latest astonishing human culinary creation: The Double Down from KFC. Allegedly a sandwich, the double down as replaced any kind of break (one of the defining characteristics of a sandwich) with two large pieces of mechanically reassembled chicken corpses. Between those hunks of mutilated, chemically-flavored fried fowl: strips of seared pig fat and cow milk that has been congealed into a solid.

This really, is a sandwich in name only. Otherwise anything placed in between two other items of the same kind could be called a sandwich. Three fried mozzarella sticks stuck between a pair of chocolate-covered donuts? A sandwich. Thick layers of peanut butter, jelly, and chunks of cookie dough between twin glazed hams? Now you've got yourself a sandwich, Jethro.
Unless I misunderstand, the purpose of consuming food is to help keep you alive. Why, then, do you keep creating alleged ingestibles that will hasten your demise? Is it because deep down you hate yourselves as much as I hate you?

Here's a rule of thumb humans, avoid any food item that's name is also a synonym for "a dangerous gamble."

I don't have feet, but I understand that boots are optimal for protecting your fragile human feet in cold weather, and sandals make them more comfortable in hot weather. Apparently one of your genius scientists/footwear designers decided to compare traits of the boot AND the sandal for an item of footwear that would be helpful in no conditions whatsoever.

Also ugly enough for no occasions.

Revies of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Alice in Burtonland, How Lame was My Dragon, Venetian Blind Island

Or, as it should've been called: Tim Burton and Johnny Depp's "Wonka in Wonderland."

Hot Topic T-shirt designer Tim Burton applies his (or Charles Addams') same-old style to a sequel to "Alice in Wonderland" that, inexplicably, bares the same title. I can imagine the conversation when Burton pitched the movie to muse...

BURTON: Johnny, I'm going to, uh, direct an "Alice in Wonderland" movie.

DEPP: Jesus, you haven't already?

BURTON: No, I guess I haven't! Do you want to play the Mad Hatter?

DEPP: YES! I already have an idea about what I'd like to do with the character.

BURTON: Great. Let's hear it.

DEPP: OK, we keep the top-hat, right? But we give him crazy hair, make him really pale, and have him act super gay!

BURTON: Brilliant. Wait... isn't that exactly what we did with Willy Wonka?

DEPP: No, no, this will be totally different.

BURTON: OK... how?

DEPP: Because, man, the top hat will be, like WAY bigger! And... and I'll be even paler! Like PURE white, man, and I think we could go MUCH crazier with the hair too.

BURTON: And gayer?

DEPP: WAY gayer.


DEPP: Wait, you know what? Let's make it so that, like, even though he ACTS totally gay, you also get the feeling that he wants to bang Alice.


DEPP: And, like, add these weird little implications that he's kind of wanted to since she was a little girl.

BURTON: YES. This sounds like a perfect take on the character.

DEPP: He's going to be so pale and gay!

BURTON: We rock. Hey, I even have an idea about what movie I want to do after that. It's called "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer."

DEPP: Hey... didn't Abraham Lincoln wear a top hat?

BURTON: He did.

DEPP: I know JUST how I want to play him!

...and scene. Poor Lewis Carrol must be rolling over in his grave. Well, except for the bit about the implied pedophelia. I think he'd be down with that.

1) Take him to a Dreamworks animated movie.
2) Make him sit through the whole thing.
3) Tell him if he misbehaves, you'll do it again.

The commercials for Shutter Island beg the viewers not to give awayt the shocking twist ending: That Shutter Island is a crappy movie.

Like we couldn't guess that from the previews.


The smell of subjugation

I spotted this commercial on your television cablecast today, and was uncertain I was reading its message correctly. The commercial in question:

Am I to understand that Ms. Spears' fantasy is to have her will subjected and subverted by a man she doesn't love to become his sexual slave? Because that's what I'm getting here. Is this a common human fantasy? It seems very strange to me.

Really, here's the short version: She was running from this creep, he wanted to touch her, she wanted a career, he shot her with a magic arrow and made her his love slave, an she liked it.

I don't see another way to read that, but even for humans that seems pretty insane.


Revies of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: The Princess, The Frog, and James Cameron's Ego


Oh, goody. The Disney Corporation is back in the business of watering down and commercializing traditional human fairy tales. For a few years now they’ve been trying some different things, but since their computer-generated original stories have been failing compared to other studio’s efforts, they decided to do what they do best : 1) buy one of those other studios and 2) go back to the drawing board. Literally.

So what can we expect from The Princess & The Frog? Disney’s by-the-numbers fairytale recipe:

1. Pretty, young, passive female protagonist

2. Wishing upon a star

3. Handsome, bland, non-threatening love interest

4. Jealous magic-using villain

5. Talking/farting animals

6. Songs so catchy you’ll hit yourself with a hammer to make them stop

7. Dead parent(s)

8. Phalluses snuck into background drawings by bored, sexually-frustrated artists

If that’s what appeals to you, you can cough up ten bucks to see it again in the theater or dig out one of the copies of Snow White/Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/The Little Mermaid that Disney tricked you into buying on VHS/Laserdisc/DVD/Blu-Ray/Digital Download. Hurry before it’s locked back up in the vault, sheep!


What am I missing about Avatar and how the movie-going experience will never be the same for those who decide to go see it? What’s the big leap forward? All I’m seeing is a CGI-laden senses-overloading fantasy spectacle in the same style we’ve been seeing innumerable iterations of over the last decade. Has Cameron been locked away working on this thing for so long that he didn’t hear about The Lord of the Rings trilogy?

Will none of his yes-men tell the King of the World he’s been beaten to the computer-generated punch? What will he invent next? The wheel?



Nor do I want to.

Revies of Movies I Have No Intention of Seeing: Office Police Cop vs. the Sexy Werewolves


This movie keeps billing itself as the best Ninja movie ever made. Was that a hard title to earn? Kind of sounds like being the toughest kid in the chess club.

Also, do you know what Ninjas are? Assassins. This is like titling a law enforcement movie “Officer Police Cop.”


Look, I’m an alien, not a pre-teen girl. Or a 30-year-old-woman with the taste of a pre-teen girl.

I know I’m being particularly pedantic this week, even for me, but it actually takes more than having more than one part to properly be called “a saga.” That’s not even a quality judgment, it’s just a reminder that words actually have specific meanings.

Also, it is a quality judgment.


Yet another romance/werewolf movie in which Meg Ryan falls in love with Timothy Hutton, turns into a werewolf and then eats him. OK, I’m just guessing all this based on looking at the poster right now. Go ahead and tell me, though, that you really know that’s not what this movie is. Have you seen it? Will anyone? No and no. This is a movie we ALL have no intention of seeing.

Probably they should’ve gone with the damn werewolves.



Oh, I’m sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard for a minute there.


Yahoo's Most Poopular: Telepathetic maybe

Here's a most-popular picture today:

Cambodian mechanic Nhean Phaloek sits in his self-designed home-made Angkor 333-2010 car at his house in Phnom Penh. The gold-coloured convertible turns heads on impoverished Cambodia's roads -- not least because of creator Nhean Phaloek's outlandish claim that it can be operated telepathically.(AFP/Tang Chhin Sothy)

Hmm... Methinks Nhean is confused about the word "telepathy," which means to communicate or control something with your mind. A telepathic car, of course, wouldn't have that steering wheel. I think I know the word you meant to use for what kind of car you have there, Mr. Phaloek.

It's "regular."

Or possibly "golf cart."


Zonar reports on Thanksgiving

The following text is a report I have written up on the human holiday Thanksgiving to send to the Superion High Command. I repost it on this blog so that you humans may enjoy my insights on your culture:


This week hails the holiday of Thanksgiving for humans living in the Earth country called The United States of America. Being a American-created holiday, it focuses on American's favorite activities. First, there is a day of eating, followed by a day of shopping. Also, apparently there is some football watching, though my observances are inconclusive if this is part of the holiday traditions or merely normal everyday behavior that continued during the holiday.

Colonists, fattening their prey.

The first day of Thanksgiving celebrates the day American colonists arrived from the old world* and ate all the native Americans. To commemorate this day of conquest, humans gather together with their family members and eat large, cooked birds (symbolizing the "Indians"). Also, there is pie.

Following the day of consumption, the second day of Thanksgiving is focused on purchasing consumable goods from chain stores. This is apparently a contest among the Americans to see who can purchase as many items as possible in a single day (I am inferring this, as I see no other reason for the frenzy given that these consumable goods are available both before and after day two of Thanksgiving, and purchasing them on any other day would be a simpler and more comfortable experience). Predominantly the female American humans take part in this contest, and must survive through rounds of driving very early in the morning, finding a parking spot, and the traditional running of the fat ladies. It appears to be a grueling, dangerous experience. Fortunately, they have loaded up on carbohydrates the day before.

Eager combatants outside of the arena.

When a winner of the competition is selected, the surviving female combatants return home to divide up the remaining piles of food and retain the remaining piles of resentment. Everyone hates themselves for ingesting so much on Day 1 and prepares to repeat their mistakes throughout the following holiday season.

*not literally another world, but merely another country on the same world. "The Old World" is merely a term used by humans, indicating their dim view of the universe and how it works.