THE PRINCESS & THE FROG
Oh, goody. The Disney Corporation is back in the business of watering down and commercializing traditional human fairy tales. For a few years now they’ve been trying some different things, but since their computer-generated original stories have been failing compared to other studio’s efforts, they decided to do what they do best : 1) buy one of those other studios and 2) go back to the drawing board. Literally.
So what can we expect from The Princess & The Frog? Disney’s by-the-numbers fairytale recipe:
1. Pretty, young, passive female protagonist
2. Wishing upon a star
3. Handsome, bland, non-threatening love interest
4. Jealous magic-using villain
5. Talking/farting animals
6. Songs so catchy you’ll hit yourself with a hammer to make them stop
7. Dead parent(s)
8. Phalluses snuck into background drawings by bored, sexually-frustrated artists
If that’s what appeals to you, you can cough up ten bucks to see it again in the theater or dig out one of the copies of Snow White/Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/The Little Mermaid that Disney tricked you into buying on VHS/Laserdisc/DVD/Blu-Ray/Digital Download. Hurry before it’s locked back up in the vault, sheep!
What am I missing about Avatar and how the movie-going experience will never be the same for those who decide to go see it? What’s the big leap forward? All I’m seeing is a CGI-laden senses-overloading fantasy spectacle in the same style we’ve been seeing innumerable iterations of over the last decade. Has Cameron been locked away working on this thing for so long that he didn’t hear about The Lord of the Rings trilogy?
Will none of his yes-men tell the King of the World he’s been beaten to the computer-generated punch? What will he invent next? The wheel?
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS?
Nor do I want to.
This movie keeps billing itself as the best Ninja movie ever made. Was that a hard title to earn? Kind of sounds like being the toughest kid in the chess club.
Also, do you know what Ninjas are? Assassins. This is like titling a law enforcement movie “Officer Police Cop.”
THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON
Look, I’m an alien, not a pre-teen girl. Or a 30-year-old-woman with the taste of a pre-teen girl.
I know I’m being particularly pedantic this week, even for me, but it actually takes more than having more than one part to properly be called “a saga.” That’s not even a quality judgment, it’s just a reminder that words actually have specific meanings.
Also, it is a quality judgment.
Yet another romance/werewolf movie in which Meg Ryan falls in love with Timothy Hutton, turns into a werewolf and then eats him. OK, I’m just guessing all this based on looking at the poster right now. Go ahead and tell me, though, that you really know that’s not what this movie is. Have you seen it? Will anyone? No and no. This is a movie we ALL have no intention of seeing.
Probably they should’ve gone with the damn werewolves.
From the team that brought you a bunch of movies that no one has ever seen before, comes this allegedly hilarious spoof about students in a monster-fighting school in which they IBOOINLDASD LXOAI DHZMJZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Oh, I’m sorry. I fell asleep on my keyboard for a minute there.
Cambodian mechanic Nhean Phaloek sits in his self-designed home-made Angkor 333-2010 car at his house in Phnom Penh. The gold-coloured convertible turns heads on impoverished Cambodia's roads -- not least because of creator Nhean Phaloek's outlandish claim that it can be operated telepathically.(AFP/Tang Chhin Sothy)
Or possibly "golf cart."